May 22, 2013

Spider Bite

I was bitten by a spider four times on my leg.

So I thought I'd give it a few days for my spider powers to set in.  Sometimes these things take a while.  After time went by, I started to try to run up the sides of buildings.  But I only got a few feet up the wall before falling awkwardly back to the ground.  Then I tried shooting spider webs out of my wrist.  Nothing.  I tried taking off my glasses to see if my vision had become perfect.  Then regretted it as I did this while trying to run up a wall.

The spider bites got itchier and redder and I noticed they were in the shape on an "S."  "S" for Spider of course. Or maybe, Spiderbean.  Yes.  This was a sign.

I prepared myself for what was to be a turning point in my life.  The day I become a superhero and then am like "what is HAPPENING to me???" and then after brooding and feeling like an outcast but not being able to tell anyone, I adapt to my new powers in a montage accompanied by rock music, and then without thinking I save someone's life, someone who is dangling off a bridge, a building, or an airplane.  And people notice so I have to develop a disguise so that no one will know who I really am.  And the disguise will end up making me look anonymous, and more conspicuous at the same time.  It will also give me a wedgie.  And then the person closest to me will start to put together the clues of my new spider powers and figure it out just as I meet a villain and that villain kidnaps the person closest to me and then I have to save that person and the world at the same time, cause those two things are always connected.

So I waited for all of this to happen.

But lately the spider bites are starting to fade.  The "S" looks less threatening, and more pimply.

So today, I have finally decided to come to terms with the fact that that useless spider bit me four times and didn't even have the decency to give me even a little bit of its spider powers.  Can I get some web throwing capabilities up in here?  Rude.  Spider who bit me, you're the worst and I'll never forgive you.

May 5, 2013

The Ultimate Stand Off

You haven't lived until you've seen a security officer on a segway and a gardener in a golf cart get into a collision in their respective vehicles.  Going 5 miles an hour.  On a deserted 4 lane side street.  After they had tried to go around each other for ten minutes, backing up, moving left and right at the same time and accidentally blocking each other, apologizing, and then trying to give the other the right of way.  Not realizing that they both could pass at the same time, even if they were driving semi trucks.  And then colliding with such precision that the vehicles lock in an embrace as the screeching sound of metal on metal rings into the air.  Followed by the security officer on the segway tottering and falling over.  Never letting go of his segway.  Followed by the gardener looking over in shock as if he can't believe what just happened.  Followed by the security officer standing up and staring at the giant scratch on his segway.  Followed by the gardener getting out of his seat and staring at the damage on his golf cart.  For a very long time.  Completed with them shaking hands as if they were lucky to be alive, getting back into their vehicles, and driving off proudly.  With nobody watching except me.  The lucky one, who got to see this event and know that it happened.  And remember it forever.