I don't think I'm good at giving people the stink eye. When I try to do so, I somehow send a message that says, "talk to me...especially if you're crazy."
As I was travelling this weekend I was determined to avoid the crazy people that usually approach me. Even if they were sitting right next to me on the airplane. And the crazy people always sit right next to me on the airplane.
I determined that the cause of this is because I smile too much and I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings. This is a blessing and a curse. So, I tried to not smile and attempted to look really really mean. In fact, I glared at anyone who came near me. I also had a cold so I made sure not to hide my coughing and nose blowing. And it worked. I got on the airplane and NO ONE sat next to me. Usually people scramble to sit next to me because I'm small and I look like I don't smell. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW. Just kidding, I don't smell. I think.
So everyone is seated and then suddenly a last minute passenger bursts onto the plane and the flight attendants rush her down the aisle. She has eighty things in her hands and is panting and sweating. Everyone hates her because it is now obvious that they were holding the plane for her. And of course, the only open seat is next to me.
She reaches my row and tells me not to get out of my seat, but there is no way I want her butt in my face as she crawls over me with all of her earthly possessions falling on me so I get up quickly and let her in. She finally settles down and our plane is allowed to taxi out and take off. She thinks she lost her cellphone and starts panicking but then realizes it's in a brown paper bag (why???) that is sitting on top of her laptop, which she proceeds to rest her feet on. She and I are in the emergency row and I think she will be of no help if we have to work together in an emergency.
As we reach altitude, my sinuses start hurting because of my cold and my ears start to plug up. I try to keep popping them but it is no use. My ears are soon completely plugged and I can't hear a thing.
The woman sitting next to me turns to talk to me and her voice sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown. I try to tell her I can't hear her but I must have been shouting because she looks very affronted and doesn't talk to me for the rest of the flight. Success. For once my wee ears that plug up all the time have done me a favor. I read a book in peace. Until the descent of the airplane, which makes my ears and sinuses feel like a thousand drums are being played in my head. I look over at the woman sitting next to me who now appears to be talking to the person in front of her through the crack of her seat so I think the drums are still better.
We land and I exit the plane. I'm not sure if anyone talks to me on my way out cause my ears are still completely plugged. I take a taxi home. I have no idea what the taxi driver is saying to me and he too is startled by how loudly I'm telling him where I need to go. I then finally realize via his wild gestures to the radio that he is asking me if he can choose a radio station for me. He picks one and looks at me and I give him a thumbs up. It could have been the sound of nails on a chalkboard and I would have given the thumbs up.
I'm trying to pop my ears during the taxi ride as I'm starting to get very disoriented not being able to hear anything. I finally yawn a big yawn as we hit a bump on the freeway and suddenly my ears unplug and the music in the taxi is blasting all around me. It is the song All By Myself. I realize the taxi driver chose for me a radio station that plays sad love songs. He looks in the rear view mirror and gives me a thumbs up.