June 3, 2014

A Conversation Between Me and Kevin. Part 800.

When Kevin missed my birthday party:

As penance, I will take you to lunch.  A weekend perhaps since we'll both be working.  As early as this Sunday.  And the suffering I bear at this lunch will be due punishment for missing your big night.

Perfect!!! I can't wait!

Shut Up.

Then on the day of my belated birthday dinner with Kevin:

Where do you want to meet?

Any-goddamn-where you want
$8 max

Then, when Kevin came to see my solo show a couple of weeks later:

We were going to leave town for the weekend but didn't because of your show
Literally worse than dying in a fire

That's cause we are BFF!!! (emoticons of dancing people)

Then, when Kevin needed to exchange his tickets for another night:

We want to go tomorrow instead of tonight
Alternatively never

For More Inspiring Conversations with Kevin, click any of the links below:
Part 2Part 3Part 6Part 7Part 11Part 8Part 25Part 35Part 102Part 306, Part 421

June 2, 2014

What Doesn't End Up on Facebook

What if, instead of posting how much they have accomplished on Facebook, people started posting what they actually did?

For example, I could post that this weekend I was very productive as weekends go, I rehearsed my upcoming solo show, I started blogging again, I sent out submissions to agents, and met all of my goals.  Part that doesn't end up on Facebook: AFTER I WATCHED 10-15 HOURS OF MAD MEN AND DIDN'T MOVE FROM MY COUCH BUT TO EAT.

Or, I could post that I went to a party and had a lot of fun.  Part that doesn't end up on Facebook: AND WOKE UP FULLY CLOTHED ON MY FLOOR WITH MY IPHONE STUCK TO MY FACE.

Or, I could post that I'm really happy with where my career is at.  Part that doesn't end up on Facebook: I'M NOT REALLY HAPPY WITH THAT, NO ONE IS.  PLEASE.

Sometimes I see posts from friends that say THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!  I'M SO HAPPY!  Part that doesn't end up on Facebook: THIS DAY IS ACTUALLY PRETTY MEDIOCRE.

One might say, and this is just a theory, that the amount of excessive bragging and or #blessed that one does on social media is equally proportionate to the amount of actual dissatisfaction one has for ones life.

June 1, 2014

Fish Funeral

Who's idea was it that the most dignified thing to do when your fish dies is to flush it down the toilet?  What fish ever thought, "ah yes, that is the way I want to go, into the sewer with disease and excrement?"  No fish ever thought that.  But somewhere along the way, some human thought, "well obviously when I flush you down the toilet, fish, it is symbolically sending you to the ocean." That is inaccurate and a terrible symbolic gesture.

I remember as a child that was how all of my carnival fish would go (the ones that only lasted a few days, a week tops.)  And I thought, that can't be right.  But I was only five and what did I know?

When I got my first fish as an adult, a beta named Mr. Miyagi, he lived for five glorious years.  He was my friend and companion.  He traveled with me when I would drive home to see my family (6 whole hours in a travel case with nary a complaint from him, except the occasional puffing up of his face, which betas do when they want to attack.)  He was a grumpy fish and lived a long fish life.  I went away to Scotland for a summer and had my boyfriend at the time take care of him.  However, Mr. Miyagi fell ill, probably because he missed me and/or hated my boyfriend.  As the end grew near, my boyfriend took Mr. Miyagi to my best friend's house to live out the rest of his days.  Which was a wise choice as Miyagi would have wanted that since he hated my boyfriend so much.  I remember the day like yesterday when my friend called me to tell me Mr. Miyagi had passed.  I cried for a long time.  Some say it was just a fish, but that fish got me through college and I SERIOUSLY think he understood everything around him because when I was acting like an ass, he would poof his face out at me until I stopped.  My friend couldn't get a hold of me right away so she flushed him down her toilet when he died.  Mr. Miyagi would have hated such an undignified funeral and I imagine him in fish heaven perpetually puffing his face out about that, which makes me happy as he loved looking grumpy all the time anyway.

My next beta fish, Captain Barbosa, lived a strong four years.  He was a pirate fish with a canon, a skeleton, and a pirate ship in his bowl.  He didn't puff his face out ever, which was disappointing to me, but he was much more mild tempered than Miyagi.  When the good Captain fell ill, it was during a particularly hard time in my life.  As such, when he died I wept for him in a way that was very embarrassing.  It actually turned into me crying and then laughing at myself for the absurdity of my sorrow.  I was glad I was there so that the Captain would not be flushed.  I buried him in the garden in front of my house with his cannon, and said a few words.  It was very sad and also awkward when people would walk by and ask me what I was doing.  It's hard to say "i'm having a funeral for my fish" in a way that doesn't sound completely insane.  And perhaps it is.  It's funny how we deal with having to say goodbye.  But at least this time it didn't have anything to do with a toilet.