How do you know when to be bold, and when to take it down a notch when it comes to love? Or is it best just to be bold all the time and risk crashing and burning for the small chance that something wonderful will happen? How do you know when to walk away before something even begins?
I don't know what feels worse, to know that you didn't try to get the guy you wanted, or to get completely rejected when you do try. I think the later, in dating and in life, is the best route. It's better to try and fail than to never try at all, or whatever that famous phrase is. But then when it comes to dating, you also have to take into consideration this "playing the game" thing. I hear tale from happy couples I know that when you meet the right person you don't have to play the game. I think this is insane and a lie. EVERYONE IS PLAYING A GAME.
So, when I meet a guy that I like and we exchange numbers, I have a couple of options. I can text him, or I can wait for him to text me (please note that calling is never an option in modern dating, not ever.)
Or there is the ever elusive Facebook friending, which opens a whole new world of possibilities. To Facebook stalk, or not to Facebook stalk? To change your profile pic prior to friending so that the pic is at its best quality, or to leave up the pic where you look like Gollum to show you have a sense of humor?
If you do stalk, you then check his photos to see if there is a girl showing up frequently, and then you confirm when he dated that girl (god forbid he is still dating that girl, in which case he is dumb for friending you), and then you check to see if she is more accomplished than you. And also hotter. I'm not ashamed to say it, and anyone who says they haven't done this is lying or in denial.
A problem with Facebook stalking is that you might find out a piece of information about a guy, and then reveal that you know that information on your first date, before he tells it to you. Thus exposing the fact that you have Facebook stalked him, and making everything awkward for the rest of the night. I once dated a guy who had a kid, which I first found out from his Facebook page. When he got around to telling me on the first date, I wanted to pretend like this was new information so I said "OH WOW!" really loudly and accidentally knocked over my water. This is one of the many reasons why Facebook stalking is not advisable prior to the first date. But just because something is not advisable, does not mean you will have the willpower NOT to do it.
And then, the golden miracle of miracles is when that person's Facebook profile is public and you don't even have to friend them to get the goods. It is a great gift when this happens, because if your profile is private (which it should be people!!) then the stalking cannot be reciprocated.
I am talking a lot about Facebook in the dating world, which seems silly and sad, but whether we like it or not, it is EVERYTHING.
If you choose not to Facebook friend the new guy you just met, and both of your profiles are private (again, as it should be), then it's back to the texting game. To text, or not to text?
I am a terrible romantic that cannot be controlled, so I am usually the first to text. Some may say that this is not playing the game correctly, and those people would be right. You're supposed to wait a good long while to text in order to keep that person wanting. But my romantic brain is already off in a rom-com montage, and can't handle the pressure.
And I always text back. I hate it when guys don't respond to me, so if a guy texts me, I will text back dammit.
So you're texting, but now the problem is WHAT DO YOU SAY? I would love to say the thing you shouldn't say which is "Hey do you want to go to the movies, to dinner, etc." But that is too direct for playing the game. And when I have done that, and the guy says yes, endless texts of scheduling a time ensue (everyone is SOOOOOOOO BUSY.) It's a marathon just to find a time to be together. And oddly enough, we could have had dinner in the amount of time it took to text about having dinner.
On the other hand, if I don't choose to text first, and the initial text comes from the guy, nowadays it is either the words "Hey", or "How are you?", or some nonsensical message that I then have to decipher. "Oh, he sent me a joke." or "Oh, he sent me an emoticon of a wizard with a banana." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? DO YOU LIKE ME? ARE WE JUST FRIENDS? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?
I spend a lot of time having text conversations that go absolutely nowhere, to the point where the whole conversation is in emoticons and I'm clutching a glass of wine and wondering how my life got to this point.
Sometimes I just want to say "I like you." But that sounds like an insane thing to say doesn't it? If a guy said that to me directly I would faint from astonishment. Same goes for myself. I can't remember the last time I had the courage to say that unless I knew for sure how the other person felt. I think that is called, as they say, "fear of rejection."
There have been times in my life when I have told someone straight up, "I like you!" or have asked a guy out on a date. It doesn't always work out. And those particularly painful times are the ones that make me hesitant to do it again.
But when you do get to the point where you have somehow fought the text battle, and stalked your little heart out on Facebook, and you actually see each other in person, NOW WHAT? Now, you are "hanging out". I hear that all the time: "let's hang out", "do you want to hang out?", or "we're just hanging out." I've lost a lot of good romances to the friendzone that way.
I won't even get started on the friendzone, which is a mystery to me. You never know you're about to enter it, but once you do, it is too late.
Despite all of these obstacles and the plight of modern technology, and my complete failure to know when the RIGHT time is to tell a guy I like him, again and again it starts, and I have a crush. This brings new meaning to the phrase "I'm not a player I just crush a lot." It's true! Also, if you look like a hobbit, I'm done for. It's a weird thing. Or, if you're funny, if you're kind, if you're driven, done and done and done. And I am such a hopeless romantic that I can see romance everywhere, even if I'm being foolish. I believe the best and I believe in love, even if I haven't found my best love yet.
When I first meet a guy that I hit it off with, I always joke to my friends "We're in love." And then we all laugh and I say how stupid that would be. But there's a weird little voice inside my head that sounds kind of like Elton John, that says "It could be love. Give it a try." Damn you Elton John, damn you. So I send off a text, in the hopes that I might get one back.