August 16, 2015

Dating Advice You Should Probably Ignore (Part 2): Five Reasons Why YouShould Not Break Up With Someone In A Parking Lot

Let's suppose, hypothetically, that I got broken up with in a parking lot. If this were to have happened, which I'm not saying it did, these would be my thoughts on it. And, if you were to consider breaking up with someone in a parking lot, below are the reasons why you should in fact, NOT, do that:
  1. If you break up with someone in a parking lot, it shows that you think they are crazy. I say this because everyone knows you take a crazy person to a public place to break up with them so that they don't throw something at you. What would go on in my mind, if this parking lot break up hypothetically happened, is the following: "But I'm not the crazy person. I'm not crazy. OR AM I?  Only the crazy person would say that they are not the crazy person. OMG I'm crazy." See, now you've driven someone insane.
  2. People that you both know could walk up at any moment. This is true with any public place, but in a parking lot, it's significantly more awkward. Say an acquaintance of the person you are breaking up with happens to walk by just as you are saying, "I think this isn't working out." Now said acquaintance is awkward as all hell and accidentally drops his keys, which proceed to fly under his car. He then has to body crawl on all fours to retrieve the keys, and is forced to listen to the rest of the break up while he does so because he has no other option. It's not like the acquaintance could have walked away, unless he wanted to leave his car and keys there and take Uber for the rest of his days. This is all a "what if " scenario of course, but you see my point. Onlookers should not be a part of a break up.
  3. Exhaust. Not only are you breaking up with someone, but you are also causing them prolonged inhalation of toxic fumes. Thanks.
  4. Noise level. Break ups are never fun, no matter how you go about it. But when in a parking lot, all you can hear is, "I just CAR HORN and I think it would be better if SCREECHING TIRES and I hope that you CAR ALARM. CAR ALARM. CAR ALARM." Once that car alarm goes off, all of the car alarms go off. And then nothing ever gets said and what could have been a proper break up becomes the soundscape of the next Fast and the Furious movie.
  5. It's rude.  RUDE.
That's all I have to say about that. Not that I should have much to say about it. Because it didn't really happen.